Don't Call Me Baby
by for always forever
Summary: "Okay, so you're totally gonna hate this," Jeff says gleefully, which makes Nick feel so much better. "But it's crazy enough that it might actually work." / Or the one where Nick and Jeff fake-date & get in way over their heads.


**author's note:** okay so i'm going to start off by saying that i've had the outline of this story written since...january, maybe? i've rewritten the start of this chapter so many times it's not even funny. i'm not kidding when i say this story is my baby. please treat it nicely. it's going to be about thirty chapters long, which is probably the longest thing i'm ever going to write. ever. i'm just so super excited to be posting this right now, okay, you have no idea. there will be humor, and angst, and happiness, and sadness, and love, and every emotion ever because teenage boys are complicated too. i'm just going to let you go ahead and read the story now. please let me know what you think!

**disclaimer:** i don't own anything you recognize. lyrics and title belong to cartel, from the most amazing song EVER (the perfect mistake)

* * *

_wake me up, i've been dreaming,  
it feels just like any other day.  
i sit you down, here goes nothing.  
and you're not gonna like what i say._

* * *

It's just a regular Wednesday. Nick has a special kind of distaste reserved for Wednesdays. It's a pointless day, really, just one more thing that keeps Friday that much farther away. Nick's not exactly a morning person, even on days that aren't Wednesdays. When Nick pulls up in front of Jeff's house, it's 7:24 AM, which means they're running fifteen minutes late. This doesn't do much to improve his mood. He presses a hand to his horn and pushes it for exactly five seconds, before he's getting out of his car and jogging up the driveway. He makes it to the porch and hears the lock click just seconds before he pushes it open. When he gets inside, Jeff's little sister is walking back up the stairs. Over her shoulder, she calls, "Jeff's being a diva, give him a few minutes."

Nick rolls his eyes at her. "Yeah, except we have no minutes. We need to leave, like, ten minutes ago."

Jamie snorts. "Good luck with that," she says, and pulls a brush through her hair.

Jeff's mom walks in from the living room, offering a bright smile and a bagel on a plate. Nick takes it from her gratefully, because he totally forgot to grab breakfast before he left. "You're my favorite Mom," he tells her earnestly, and she laughs. Mrs. Sterling is everything Nick wishes his mom would be. In fact, Nick just wants Jeff's entire family. They're warm and absolutely _wonderful_. Most days, Nick leaves his house twenty minutes early just to eat breakfast at Jeff's house. He's pretty sure he spends more time there than anywhere else, including his own home. Some people would think he was crazy—he's Nick _Duval_, son of the richest man in Ohio. Yeah, that's great and all, but he'd rather have love than money. And unlike money, love is not something the Sterlings are running low on.

Mrs. Sterling lays a hand on his shoulder and smiles. "You two are running a little late, huh?"

Jeff comes sliding out of the kitchen in his socks at that exact moment. His tie is slung haphazardly around his neck and his shoes aren't even on. A piece of hair is sticking up at an awkward angle. Nick heaves a heavy sigh and drops his bag to the floor. "Come here," he says, rolling his eyes. He does that a lot when he's in this house.

Jeff obediently steps toward him. Nick grabs his tie and knots it neatly. He smoothes it down over Jeff's shirt. Jeff smiles cheerfully at him and says, "Good morning!" Julie sits down at the top of the stairs and watches them, head cocked to the side. Nick has this no-nonsense look on his face, because they really do need to leave. They needed to leave fifteen minutes ago, actually. But Jeff's smiling down at him with this huge smile, so Nick just smiles back and says, "Yeah, good morning," with a little less enthusiasm. Whatever. The sentiment is the same.

From the top of the stairs, Jamie laughs loudly. "You two are like an old married couple."

Mrs. Sterling tries to hide a smile behind her hand. It takes Nick a few seconds to realize that his hands are still holding onto Jeff's tie. He lets go quickly and shoves a piece of bagel in his mouth, frowning. Jeff rolls his eyes and grabs his bag from the space beside the door. "We have to go," he says, like Nick doesn't already know that.

Nick only finishes his bagel in two bites and waits. Jeff stares at him, blankly. "Shoes," Nick says helpfully, jerking his head in the direction of the black dress shoes lying under the dining room table.

"Right," Jeff says, sounding distracted. "Oh my God, I'm so _tired_," he half- groans, half-whines as he makes his way into the dining room that they never use. Nick remembers using it as a fort when they were younger, surrounded by pillows and Jeff's favorite red blanket. Jeff drops down to his knees and crawls under the table. There's a little bit of shuffling and then there's Jeff, whispering, "Ah ha!" He stands up, very nearly banging his head against the wood. "Where would I be without you, Nick?"

"Dead, probably," Nick mutters, "Somewhere three thousand miles from here."

"Probably," Jeff says, agreeably, and he tugs his shoes on.

"You have ten minutes to get to the school if you want to make it to homeroom on time," Jamie calls from the top of the stairs, not even looking up from her phone. Her fingers are flying over the keypad at lightning speed. Nick wonders if she's texting her newest boyfriend—which, no, she's _twelve_. Nick didn't even start _liking _girls until high school, let alone dating them. "Fifteen if you don't give a—"

"Jamie," Mrs. Sterling says sharply, "Watch your mouth, young lady. Go wake your brother up."

"I didn't say anything," Jamie's eyes are wide and innocent. Nick doesn't believe it for a second. She stands up and makes her way down the hall, into her older-but-not-oldest-brother's room. Nick waits five seconds, before he hears a loud thump and Jack yelling, "Jesus _Christ_, Jamie!"

Jeff just laughs loudly, and Nick is reminded again just how much he loves Jeff's family. "We have to go," Jeff says, for the thousandth time this morning, and he grabs Nick by the arm. Before they even make it to the door, Jeff's mom intercepts them with a pointed look. Jeff swoops down—because Jeff's at least five inches taller than her. Jeff's at least five inches taller than _everyone_—and kisses her on the cheek. She turns to Nick expectantly and holds out her arms, pulling him into one of the tightest hugs he's ever received. Not for the first time, Nick wishes she was his mom.

"Just marry into the family already," Jack says, leaning over the railing at the top of the steps. He makes it sound like it's the most obvious thing in the world. He gives the both of them a smirk filled with all the fifteen-year-old arrogance in the world. "I'm sure Jeff would volunteer."

"See if I tell you where I hid your drumsticks now, asshole," Jeff tells him, flinging the front door open before his mom can say anything about his language.

Jack's face quickly turns panicked. "Screw you, you stole my drumsticks?"

Jeff nods, grinning wickedly. "The ones signed by Travis Barker."

"_Jeff_!" Jack yells, and he throws his slipper at his older brother's head. Jeff ducks just in time, grabs Nick by the wrist and yanks him outside, yelling a quick, "Love you, mom!" over his shoulder. The door slams shut behind them and Jeff turns to smile brightly at Nick. "Well, that was fun."

"I had the time of my life," Nick says dryly.

Jeff chooses to reply to that by singing, very loudly and obnoxiously and in Nick's face, "_And I owe it all to you!_"

"I walked into that one," Nick allows, shrugging.

Jeff tries to continue the song and use his hold on Nick's wrist to twirl him. Nick rolls his eyes and tries to pull his arm away, but Jeff's hold is an iron grip. He lets himself be spun in a slow circle just so Jeff will _shut up_. Nick pulls away, laughing because he really can't help it, and slides across the hood of his car to get to the other side. They get in and drive off, blasting Cartel and completely ignoring the fact that there's no _way_ they're going to make it to school on time.

So yeah, it's just a regular Wednesday. Nick's totally not aware that today is going to be the day that changes his entire life.

* * *

Nick and Jeff sit right next to each other in every single class, except Algebra.

They _used_ to sit next to each other, before the teacher decided they were too disruptive. Which is _stupid_, because Nick is _great_ at Algebra. He's managed to maintain a 101 average all year long. Including the—admittedly very short—part of the year that he sat next to Jeff. Yeah, okay, maybe Jeff's not that great at math and maybe he actually needs to pay attention to keep his grades up, but it's not like he doesn't have that smartest kid in class as his best friend. Nick would totally be willing to pull an all-night study session. They've done it before. It's not their fault the other kids in class can't focus.

The worst part is there's only one person in between them. That unfortunate person is Kurt.

"Kurt," Nick hears Jeff whisper, and then a note drops on Kurt's desk, "Pass it to Nick."

To his credit, Kurt doesn't even look away from the board. He slides the note deftly across his desk and deposits it neatly on Nick's. Mr. Banner's back is to them, so he unfolds it quickly and scribbles a reply. He holds it out for Kurt to take and drop on Jeff's desk. They go back and forth like this for about ten minutes before Kurt even says anything.

"You know," he whispers, sounding conversational as Mr. Banner writes another equation on the board, "I totally understand why Banner thinks you're distracting. It's because you _are_."

Nick doesn't even look at Kurt as he says, bored, "Consider this payback for all the time I've caught you and Blaine doing things that not even _bleach_ will erase from my head."

Kurt doesn't say anything, but he does pass the note to Jeff when Nick hands it to him. "Cheap shot," Kurt tells him, shaking his head, "Below the belt. Not okay."

Nick shrugs. "I do what I have to do."

"Mr. Duval," Their Algebra teacher says loudly. He doesn't even bother to turn around. "If you could at least try to keep your voice down, it would be very much appreciated."

Teachers don't like Nick. Maybe it's because he can read a book and have it memorized within an hour, or solve any math problem you give him without a calculator and in about ten seconds. He's not a genius—his IQ is like, six points lower than the one that's required. Or something. Nick didn't pay attention when his doctor explained it. He is, however, unreasonably smart. Most people hate him for it. Including all of the teachers, who think he's just being a smartass when in all actuality, they're just stupid. It's really not his fault that a seventeen year old boy is smarter than them.

"Yes, Mr. Banner," he says, letting his chin fall into the palm of his hand in a futile attempt to keep himself awake. He doesn't mean to sound as monotone as he does. It's not like he purposely goes out of his way to disrespect the adults in his life. It just happens. He hears Jeff let out a little snort, and he lets a half smile form on his face. That's his first mistake, because the next second Mr. Banner is striding to the back of the class room and picking the note off of Jeff's desk. The smirk fades from Jeff's face as he watches their teacher pick it up and unfold it.

"Love notes, Mr. Sterling?" Mr. Banner asks dryly, and Nick wants to bang his head against the desk. _Why_ is everyone so convinced that he and Jeff are dating? Mr. Banner is a _teacher_, and Nick's pretty sure there are rules against making jokes about your students' sex lives. Not that Nick actually _has_ one.

"Only declaring my undying love to you," Jeff says, looking miserable. It's probably because he's the one that's going to get in trouble for this one. Mr. Banner takes one look at the paper and rips it in half, giving Jeff one of the dirtiest looks Nick's ever seen. Nick frowns, because that was a really quality piece of artwork. Every pointed-tooth was perfect. Nick especially appreciated the hunch-back. It was a very accurate drawing of Mr. Banner, in his opinion.

Nick raises his hand half-heartedly and speaks without being called on first. "Um, I have a question. Why did you automatically assume that it was a love letter?"

Mr. Banner just stares at him. From across the room, Trent calls, "He was just saying what we've all been thinking, dude."

"Yes," Nick says flatly, rolling his eyes. "We've been secretly dating for the past two years and you've all caught us. Good job, give yourselves a pat on the back." He huffs and settles back, crossing his arms. He doesn't even realize everyone's staring at him until he picks his head up after a full minute and no one's said anything. "What?" he asks, defensively. They should all be used to his sense of humor by now.

Jeff's leaning around Kurt. He's got that look on his face, like when he's not sure if he wants to laugh or punch Nick in the face. "Dude," he says, eyes wide.

"I was kidding!" Nick exclaims, throwing his arms up in the air. "You didn't seriously think—oh my _God_. I was _joking_, guys, really."

Jeff lets his head fall and bang against the desk. "Nick, you _suck_," he says, which is probably the worst possible choice of words he could have used.

Nick's proven right when not even a second later, Trent is across the room, snickering loudly. "You would _know_," he manages to get out through his laughter. Kurt tries to hide a smirk. He's not very good at it. They're just lucky that Kurt and Trent are the only Warblers in the room, because this could have been a lot worse. Nick needs to learn to keep his mouth shut.

The bell rings just when Nick starts to say something back. He snaps his mouth shut, because new rule—don't speak. He grabs his bag and tries to bolt out of the room without making it obvious. Mr. Banner is calling something about a worksheet, but none of the boys are listening. Nick makes it halfway down the hallway before Jeff manages to catch up to him, winded and breathing heavily. "You do realize that now—"

"Yes," Nick cuts him off, frowning, "I'm fully aware that no one's going to shut up about this for _weeks_, but it's not my fault that no one in this school understands sarcasm."

"No, I—" Jeff stops, blinks for a few seconds. Nick waits. "Oh, shit," Jeff says, and suddenly he's laughing and smiling. "I just had the—okay, no, I'm going to go. I'll tell you later. But really, best idea _ever_."

He runs off before Nick can get a word in. Nick stares after him, confused. Jeff's ideas never end well, and he's sure this one isn't going to be any different.

* * *

Nick's the kind of person that gets bored easily. It's not something he's proud of, because he usually comes off kind of rude. Between that and the whole 'being a smart-ass' thing, he's surprised he has any friends. He tunes out during conversations he doesn't feel like listening to and he doesn't exactly try to hide it. Nick will be the first to admit that he has the _worst _attention span ever. At one point, his parents thought he had ADD, or maybe even Asperger's. It's definitely the reason he can't keep a girlfriend for more than a month. He just gets _bored, _which sounds absolutely terrible when he thinks about it. They either break up with him for being _distant_ and _distracted _or he breaks up with them because he just loses interest after a while.

Currently, Nick is practically falling asleep in his mashed potatoes. He's barely listening to the conversation going on over his head. It isn't until Kurt taps his shoulder and asks, "Where's Jeff?" that he even glances up.

Nick picks his head up off the table and shrugs. "I dunno," he says, stifling a yawn, "In the school, I'm guessing," he adds, and he waves his hand around in a vague motion. Kurt raises an eyebrow at him. "What?"

"I'm just not used to seeing you without your better half, is all," Kurt gives him a little half smile. He leans forward on his elbows, and Blaine laughs from beside him.

Nick makes a face at him. He decides not to say something potentially rude, because Kurt hasn't mentioned anything about what happened in their Algebra class. Trent, thankfully, is nowhere to be seen. "Oh, _ha-ha_," he says. He rolls his eyes and shovels a spoonful of corn into his mouth before he remembers that he _hates_ corn. He wrinkles his nose and tries not to gag.

"That's the best you can come up with?" Thad asks. He pinches Nick's cheek. Nick smacks his hand away and takes a long sip of water. He glances at the door, frowning. Jeff disappeared about an hour ago, just before their lunch hour. He has no idea _where _Jeff is, or when he's coming back. They have to be in English class in like, ten minutes. "Look at him, staring at the door. I think he's going through withdrawal."

"Can't be without Jeff for too long," David grins, reaching over to mess with Nick's hair. Nick elbows him in the gut and shoves a piece of chicken in his mouth, chewing.

"Fuck you," Nick tells them sourly. They all laugh at him, like _Nick's_ the one being stupid. Nick is perfectly capable of spending a few hours away from Jeff. It's not like they're so co-dependent they can't function without the other. Most people just generally enjoy the company of their best friend.

Jeff chooses that moment to walk into the dining hall, smiling brightly. He doesn't make eye contact with Nick, even though Nick squints at him the entire time he's walking to their table. He takes his regular spot next to Nick and maybe sits a little closer than he usually does. "Hey," he says, cheerfully. "Sorry, I had to ask someone about something, nothing important—oh, corn." He takes Nick's fork out of his hand and uses it to shovel a mouthful of the disgusting yellow vegetable in his mouth.

"Where were you?" Nick asks around a mouthful of chicken.

Jeff opens his mouth to respond, but he's cut off by Trent dropping his books heavily on the table and smiling a smile that makes Nick nervous. "Worried he's cheating on you?"

Wes actually snorts into his water. "Do I want to know?"

Kurt's expression is entirely too innocent. "Nick and Jeff outed themselves in Algebra," he says, smiling cheerfully. Nick mentally takes back every nice thing he's ever said about Kurt. Kurt is an _asshole_.

"Oh my _God_," David starts to choke on his food, eyes wide. Wes pats his back worriedly, but his eyes are shooting between Nick and Jeff like they've got three heads. Some of the other Warblers are turning to stare at them now. Nick feels his face going red and his eyes getting wide. He doesn't dare try to sneak a glance at Jeff, who's very obviously trying to get his attention by hitting his leg under the table.

"That's awesome, you guys!" Blaine exclaims, smiling brightly. Kurt glances at his boyfriend, looking ridiculously fond, before he turns to smirk at Nick. "I'm so happy for you."

Jeff holds up both of his hands. "Woah, okay, I never said _anything_. I am an unfortunate victim of circumstance, this is all Nick's fault. I did _nothing_."

Nick frowns, turning to Jeff indignantly. "It's not my _fault_. People in this school are just stupid." He turns to the rest of the Warblers and announces, quite loudly, "Jeff and I aren't dating. Please stop staring at us now. By the way, your boyfriend is a terrible person." Nick directs this last comment at Blaine, who shrugs and takes Kurt's hand.

"Is it bad that I'm disappointed?" Blaine asks.

"Yes," Nick says flatly.

"Hey," Jeff tries to mock-frown but fails miserably. "Would it really be so bad to date me?"

Nick shrugs. "Of course not."

Trent lets out a very loud _aw_ and gets a roll thrown at his head.

* * *

"I don't understand why everyone is so convinced that we're dating," Nick sighs. The little bell in the doorway dings as he pulls the door open to the Lima Bean. He lets Jeff go though first, because it's really cold out and Jeff was too stupid to grab a jacket before they left this morning. Nick lets the door shut behind him and follows Jeff to the counter, unwrapping the scarf from around his neck. "Seriously, people are _stupid_."

Jeff picks a leftover Christmas decoration from the counter and examines it. He presses the reindeer's hoof and it starts to sing. "I know," he says, not even bothering to look up, "You've said it like, five times today."

Nick sighs again, heavier this time, and says to the girl behind the counter, "Do you still have those holiday flavors?" She nods, looking bored. "Two of the peppermint coffees, then." Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Jeff getting a five out of his wallet. He rolls his eyes, says, "No," and hands the girl a ten.

Jeff frowns. "You paid last time."

"Whatever," Nick shrugs, because Jeff doesn't like talking about his family's money issues. Nick helps in the little ways, like paying for his coffee or helping Jeff study so he can keep his scholarship to Dalton. The girl behind the counter actually smiles at him. Nick smiles back, politely, because he knows that smile. It's the _oh what a cute gay couple_ smile. It's kind of pathetic that Nick's been on the receiving end of that look enough times to recognize it. They move to the end of the counter to wait for their drinks. "You know, I asked one of the Crawford girls if she wanted to go to a movie a few days ago."

"Yeah?" Jeff asks, perking up a little, "What did she say?"

"She leaned in, said—and I quote—_what about your boyfriend_?" Jeff has to lean against the counter to keep himself upright, he's laughing so hard. Nick pushes at his shoulder and rolls his eyes. "This is getting way out of control. Wes and David are just as close as we are, nobody messes with them."

The girl hands them two cups of coffee and smiles a lot brighter than she did before. Jeff gives her his most charming smile and takes the both of them, hands one of them to Nick. "Maybe that's because both of them have girlfriends," Jeff tells him, and he flicks Nick in the forehead before walking off the claim their usual table. Nick stands there for a second, rubbing his forehead, before he follows Jeff over.

He drops down in his seat and sighs. "It's not like we haven't _tried_," he says, eyebrows furrowing. "Are we just not, like, attractive?"

Jeff shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee. "Nah, dude, you're totally attractive."

Nick grins at him. "So are you," he assures Jeff, and they high five each other.

Jeff pauses. He settles back against his chair and says, "Okay, maybe that's why."

Nick makes a face. He plays with a little packet of sugar for a few moments before he glances back at Jeff. "Hey, so whatever happened to your 'best idea ever'?" he asks, making air quotes. Jeff perks up almost instantly.

"Okay, so you're totally gonna hate this," Jeff says gleefully, which makes Nick feel _so much better_. "But it's crazy enough that it might actually work." Nick stares at him for a few seconds. Jeff's obviously waiting for a reaction, so he nods and motions for him to continue. "What if we used reverse psychology on them? What if we pretended to date, and we were so annoying that they were practically begging us to break up?"

Nick frowns. "Jeff, I don't think that's reverse psychology—"

"Out of everything I just said, that was what you found wrong with it?" Jeff asks, "Okay, you know what? Never mind. This is a good idea. When they finally admit that we're such a terrible couple, we can just tell them it was a joke and move on. And then whenever they want to make another gay joke, they'll just remember how much they _don't_ want us to be together. It's like shock therapy."

"No, it's really not," Nick says, "Also, this is a _terrible_ idea."

Jeff beams, undeterred. "But you're totally gonna go along with it anyway, right?"

"I mean, I—" Nick stops, then sighs. "Yeah, I guess so."

There's a mischievous glint in Jeff's eye and a wickedness to his smile that makes Nick think that this is going to end _really_ badly.


End file.
